I didn’t have a cool car growing up. I still don’t have a cool car. In fact, I don’t even own car. I’ll stop there since I find it difficult to type and play the violin at the same time. However, I’m comforted by the fact that you didn’t have a cool car either. No, a Chevy Vega that your parents gave you complete with a mural of an indian chief and a unicorn on the hood is not a cool car. What is a cool car? You know the ones I’m talking about.
The Hondas that have spoilers roughly 1/16th of an inch above the ground and can suck manhole covers right out of the street when moving over them at highway speeds. The spoilers are marinated in the neon nimbus of 4 foot long glow sticks adhered to the undercarriage. They can be removed when the owner goes on an industrial strength clubbing spree. Dancing with glowsticks is kewl… but dancing with 4 foot long glowsticks like they were a Batleth… can you say “hottie magnet”? Actually, you can’t if you know what a Batleth is.
Where was I… oh yes, cool cars that geeks have never owned. They have things like forty thousand watt stero systems pounding out Limp-minem-cent-Z. Cool cars have engines powered by Jägerbombs, sodium perchlorate and residue from their owners empty tubes of Bed Head hair gel. They perform like a supercharged Ferrari and sound like an angry weedwhacker from hell (or New Jersey… same thing). They have asian symbol decals on the sides and back that no one knows what they mean but probably translate into something like “Hate the game, not tha playah” or “I feel happiness when I eat a potato“.
In short, they’re cool #ENDIF //sarcasm. To make up for our lack of owning cool cars in high scool and college, we compensate with our gaming rigs. Complete with neon lights, more horsepower than the quarterback’s ’70 Boss 429 Mustang and on top of that we use really dangerous chemicals to cool it down! Beat that Todd… err… I mean, beat that random person from high school that drove a dodge viper and dated the cheerleading squad! Can your car dim your neighborhood’s lights when you turn it on? I think not. My rig is so fast, when I play Halo 3 I’m actually playing Halo 4. I’m disrupting the earth’s magnetic field just by typing this. I’m 3rd on the all time [email protected] project all by myself, just by using spare cycles while waiting for Half-Life maps to load. I don’t play games — games beg for their life and pay for mercy in FPS. It’s so powerful your body pulls 2.5Gs just from standing next to it. The magnetic field it throws off interferes with commercial flight patterns. Oh, and I have hydraulics in it. Aww yee-uh. “Sixteen switches, rides is vicious, bouncing like bad checks.”
What it do, son… what it do.